God, restore my hope, I know you can.
God, restore my purpose, I know you can.
God, restore my faith, I know you will.
When the school year started, things didn’t get any easier; rather, I felt
more burdened and helpless. even my body took a toll. I was throwing up
every day, unable to sleep, fainting multiple times a day… I still had one
thing to look forward to: my family was planning to move to South Korea in
October, and the four of us would be reunited. I remembered the promises
God told me about his providence over me and my family, So I looked
forward to my move to Korea.
However, in Korea, I still couldn’t see God moving. Despite professional
help and medication, spiritual attacks and depression symptoms worsened
significantly. I was having nightmares where Satan or my family members
would threaten me, mock God, and tell me to die. By December, I had
thoughts around death, which only grew more dark and frequent with time.
On January 17th of this year, 5 days before moving back to Princeton, I
visited my favorite beach alone. Sitting on the rocks, I couldn’t stop
imagining the waves carrying my body away. I was thinking: what will
happen if I die here? How would my family and friends feel? On January
21st, a few hours before my flight to the US, I had my worst breakdown
yet. All of my traumas flushed into my head. I was on the floor, crying
and screaming about the things that tormented me. I balled up in pain,
finding it difficult to breathe. In desperation, I started to pray with my
sister and mom.
I cried out, “you promised God, where are you God?” I was angry at God
because I couldn’t see any of his promises fulfilled. Then God answered,
“look at your life and the lives of my people in the Bible: I have never
failed. My promises are true.” and I thought oh shoot, u right. At that
moment, I sensed the presence of the holy spirit in the room and asked the
Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf.
Suddenly, prayers and truths of scriptures started flowing out of my mouth
- it was in a tongue that was neither English nor Korean. As my mom,
sister, and I prayed fervently for the next 3 hours, God spoke to all of
us. God called us to turn back to him and reminded us that he is a
fortress through night and day. Amazed by God’s glory, I kneeled and
surrendered my life to God, saying “All I am is yours”. It was a moment of
pure joy.
God told me “daughter, your faith has made you well. The enemy cannot lay
even a feather on you”. I doubted at first. I asked, even from depression?
Because depression had felt like a never-ending curse. Then God filled me
with faith like never before. I thought If God, the creator of the
universe, is one to move mountains, surely he can cure his daughter’s
illness.
After that night, I have been free from all depressive thoughts, and God
has filled me with His joy.
Like Psalms 30:11, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory
may sing your praise and not be silent. O lord my God, I will give
thanks to you forever!”
I consider it a miracle that I’m still here before you. Just a month
ago, I was standing in front of the waves and imagining my death.
Now, God is using this testimony to display his glory and faithfulness. I
can confidently and joyfully say that God is the one who saved me. God is
the one who heals, the one who restores, the one who breaks strongholds.
He never leaves your side and knows exactly what you are going through.
Matthew 11:28-30 says
“ Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and
lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is
easy, and my burden is light."
There are two things that gave me strength at my lowest points.
First, I relied on the faith of those around me. I had brothers and
sisters who prayed for me, called me, and cried with me during these
times. You guys know who you are. Thank you.
Second, when God felt distant, I tried to cling onto His word. I found
great encouragement in the fact that Jesus had experienced every suffering
I had and more – physical pain, mocking, temptations. Even through those
trials, he obeyed God and willingly took our place on the cross. After His
death on the cross, he rose again in 3 days, defeating death and all of
our sins. The battle was won.
So I’ll end by sharing one more verse.
Romans 5:8 says “God shows his love for us in that while we were still
sinners, Christ died for us.”