Story of my past year


my faith, depression, and recovery ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
If I were to describe the past year in one word, it would be rollercoaster.
At the beginning of 2020, I had big hopes and dreams. I was praying for my friends to encounter God, for leaders to be raised up, and for Princeton to taste revival. So when COVID brought everything to a halt, I, like many others, was filled with disappointment and apathy.
By the time summer rolled around, I had really lost hope, and I suffered from serious depression and anxiety. It was so difficult to find the words to pray to God. God felt so distant from me. I remember this was my only prayer

God, restore my hope, I know you can.
God, restore my purpose, I know you can.
God, restore my faith, I know you will.


When the school year started, things didn’t get any easier; rather, I felt more burdened and helpless. even my body took a toll. I was throwing up every day, unable to sleep, fainting multiple times a day… I still had one thing to look forward to: my family was planning to move to South Korea in October, and the four of us would be reunited. I remembered the promises God told me about his providence over me and my family, So I looked forward to my move to Korea.

However, in Korea, I still couldn’t see God moving. Despite professional help and medication, spiritual attacks and depression symptoms worsened significantly. I was having nightmares where Satan or my family members would threaten me, mock God, and tell me to die. By December, I had thoughts around death, which only grew more dark and frequent with time. On January 17th of this year, 5 days before moving back to Princeton, I visited my favorite beach alone. Sitting on the rocks, I couldn’t stop imagining the waves carrying my body away. I was thinking: what will happen if I die here? How would my family and friends feel? On January 21st, a few hours before my flight to the US, I had my worst breakdown yet. All of my traumas flushed into my head. I was on the floor, crying and screaming about the things that tormented me. I balled up in pain, finding it difficult to breathe. In desperation, I started to pray with my sister and mom.

I cried out, “you promised God, where are you God?” I was angry at God because I couldn’t see any of his promises fulfilled. Then God answered, “look at your life and the lives of my people in the Bible: I have never failed. My promises are true.” and I thought oh shoot, u right. At that moment, I sensed the presence of the holy spirit in the room and asked the Holy Spirit to pray on my behalf.
Suddenly, prayers and truths of scriptures started flowing out of my mouth - it was in a tongue that was neither English nor Korean. As my mom, sister, and I prayed fervently for the next 3 hours, God spoke to all of us. God called us to turn back to him and reminded us that he is a fortress through night and day. Amazed by God’s glory, I kneeled and surrendered my life to God, saying “All I am is yours”. It was a moment of pure joy.
God told me “daughter, your faith has made you well. The enemy cannot lay even a feather on you”. I doubted at first. I asked, even from depression? Because depression had felt like a never-ending curse. Then God filled me with faith like never before. I thought If God, the creator of the universe, is one to move mountains, surely he can cure his daughter’s illness.

After that night, I have been free from all depressive thoughts, and God has filled me with His joy.
Like Psalms 30:11, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!”
I consider it a miracle that I’m still here before you. Just a month ago, I was standing in front of the waves and imagining my death.
Now, God is using this testimony to display his glory and faithfulness. I can confidently and joyfully say that God is the one who saved me. God is the one who heals, the one who restores, the one who breaks strongholds. He never leaves your side and knows exactly what you are going through.
Matthew 11:28-30 says
“ Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

There are two things that gave me strength at my lowest points.
First, I relied on the faith of those around me. I had brothers and sisters who prayed for me, called me, and cried with me during these times. You guys know who you are. Thank you.
Second, when God felt distant, I tried to cling onto His word. I found great encouragement in the fact that Jesus had experienced every suffering I had and more – physical pain, mocking, temptations. Even through those trials, he obeyed God and willingly took our place on the cross. After His death on the cross, he rose again in 3 days, defeating death and all of our sins. The battle was won.
So I’ll end by sharing one more verse.

Romans 5:8 says “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”